Reminiscence
by theboywiththebread0
Summary: Brutally taken from the arena, tortured, and hijacked, Peeta Mellark must fight against the oncoming nightmares and insanity. To keep his grip on reality, he goes over those memories which he thinks are true and those which aren't. Reminiscense; a battle against his slowly fading knowledge with veins full of tracker jacker venom and continuous deceit...
1. When Did Forever Start?

**A/N:**Some of the dialogue in this scene DOES belong to Suzanne Collins and I do not take full credit for the making of this scene. The lyrics at the beginning of the story are taken with love from I Can't Make You Love Me by Sleeping At Last.

**_I close my eyes, I won't see,_**

**_The love you don't feel when you're holding me._**

**_Morning will come and I'll do what's right_**

**_Just give me 'til then to give up this fight._**

All I want to do is take her in my arms.

I know she doesn't feel the same way about me. I know every act of affection she has to fake towards me hurts her. I wish I could give her the independent life she longs for; I would if I could, if we weren't in an arena packed with people who want to kill her. The Capitol won't keep her alive unless she acts accordingly – unless I try to keep the odds in her favor. If I had to choose between her life and mine I would have no second thoughts.

If she dies, and I live, I'll lose the only person I care about most. I need her. I know she doesn't need me. She has a family to return to, a boy - a man - who would be able to support her way better than I ever could, and a sister she loves more than herself.

I'm looking at her now. She doesn't notice. She's curled up in at the cave entrance, the bow she holds poised in the air, an arrow tensed to shoot. I don't think she's watching out for other tributes as she says she is – the weather is too violent, even for the careers. In the end she gives up and her head rests against the cold wall of the cave as she sighs. Her bow and arrow hand limply from her hand. I can see the dull red streaks of blood coiling around her arms and swirling across her neck and cheeks.

She found me by the river bleeding to death. It would have been easy to kill me then, to fake a sudden slip or to act like she didn't see me hiding on the rocks. I would have understood. Even when she was trying to stop the blood, I thought it was only just to make the act believable. She told me she wouldn't leave me... and the possibility that she may even care for me makes it worse. I am the reason for her pain. It would be a total lie if I said I didn't want her to love me the way I love her but then again, when the time comes for me to die, she shouldn't have to live through the same agonizing pain I would have felt if our roles were switched. She's the strongest person I know, she doesn't need me – I'm less of an asset than I am a burden. Now we're in this cave and she's still trying to protect me.

A few strands of her dark hair have escaped her braid. I feel a strong desire to tuck those loose strands behind her ear, to get closer to her. I want to comfort her. I want to run my fingertips along her bruises and wounds, through the knots in her hair, over the creases of hardship on her beautiful face… To go back to that time on the roof when, for a few heartbeats, even the slim chance that I could live with her in my arms forever seemed more probable than my death.

I try to smile, knowing that those memories would be the best things to think of before I die, but I can't. Here I am with an infected leg, probably dying of blood loss. Pretty soon my heart will stop beating and I don't want to torture her anymore. _Pull yourself together._

"Peeta."

Her voice takes me by surprise. It's enough to make my heart skip a beat. My name reverberates in the cave - when she says it, it sounds so delicate. I gaze up at her, and she's staring back at me. Her eyes are wild. _Does she need me?_ I move closer. I wince as the pain in my leg doubles with the effort. She stays still. When I bring my hand up to caress her face, she makes no sound. My fingertips lightly brush her cheek, afraid that she'll recoil from my touch, but she doesn't. She softly sighs and leans into my hand, eyes closed.

"Peeta," she begins again, with more certainty this time, "Back at the interview… you said you had a crush on me forever. When did forever start?"

She gazes up at me, expectant. The moonlight filtering through the shadows reflects off her skin. Her skin... Her olive complexion and stark gray eyes remind me of a deer; of modest, unquestionable beauty but always distrusting, examining, curious. I could only dream of finding the perfect color of her eyes to paint them. I smile, and desperately hoping the darkness is hiding the blush I feel creeping up my neck, I look down at my hands.

"Oh, I don't know. Let's see. I guess the first day of school. We were five. You had on a red plaid dress and your hair... it was in two braids instead of one. My father pointed you out when we were waiting to line up."

I tell her about how my father used to love her mother, and how when I asked him why she married the coal miner instead of him, he told me that when the coal miner used to sing even the birds stopped to listen.

When I look up again, her smile is rueful.

"They do," she says, then shakes her head, "I mean they did."

"On the first day of school," I continue, "the teacher asked who knew the valley song in assembly. Your hand shot straight up, and when you went up there and started singing, I swear every bird outside that window fell silent. After that I-…" I bite my lip. What if she shuts herself out even more when I tell her the truth? Will she think I'm still acting?

"Peeta, what is it?

_Tell her._

I try to get past the sudden embarassment I feel heating up my face and clear my throat, "After that I knew – just like your mother - that I was a goner. Then for the next eleven years I tried to gather my nerves to talk to you."

"Without success," she adds.

"Without success. So you could say that when my name was drawn in the reaping, it was a real piece of luck."

Her smile widens for a moment, and then fades. She looks away and I can see the hints of a frown tugging at her lips. _You're just confusing her. This was all just an act, remember?_

"You have… a remarkable memory," she says at last.

"I remember everything about you. You're the one who wasn't paying attention." I reply softly. I can feel her eyes fixed on me in the dark.

"I am now," she says.

"I don't have much competition around here, anyway." I'm too tired to explain myself any further. I sigh and look out at the rain, ready to move away. She refuses to let go.

"Peeta," she says simply, "you don't have much competition anywhere."

I'm not prepared when she leans in. Her fingertips leave trails of fire across my cheeks. Her touch has turned my mind into a whirlwind of emotion and thoughts. She places her hands on either side of my face and moves closer. I catch a glimpse of her silver irises, and my heart pounds against my chest because I swear I can see her perfectly dilated pupils. Her lips stop inches from mine and she takes an unsteady breath before closing the distance between us…

Our lips gently collide. She kisses me and I am too eager to kiss her back. Her lips taste of blood and salty tears, and I can't get enough. _I want you. _I carefully wrap my arms around her. _I need you. _The truth is, this may be the only chance I get, and I want to do it right. My head spins in pure bliss. _I could do this forever._I take it that her fingers entwining in my hair is a good sign so I pull her closer. We're so close that I can feel each of her shaky breaths blowing against my skin and her heart thundering against my chest. I'm drowning in her touch, her scent, her warmth… I don't want to forget any of this. I'm not sure if it's intentional or not, but her teeth lightly graze my lips and it's like every particle in my body shivers in gratification. A weird grunting noise escapes my mouth and she smiles against my lips.

After a few seconds, we pull away. When the euphoria subsides and my mind is functioning as its supposed to again, I notice the cut on her forehead has started bleeding again.

"Are you okay?" I ask. She shakes her head without any elaboration and lies down next to me.

"Does your leg hurt?" she inquires. I put my arm around her and say it doesn't.

The wound on my leg sends a surge of pain through my body and I can feel warm blood flowing down my knee. It's only a matter of time before she'll notice.

"Katniss." I breathe close to her ear, so only she can hear. She nods ever so slightly and buries her face in my chest. She knows. I don't need to say anything else, because as much she may hate how I feel towards her, she knows.

During these few moments when my whole world is surrendered to one person I unconditionally and helplessly love, loved and will love until the day I die, the only word echoing in my mind and branding itself on my heart is her name.

_Katniss._


	2. Intermission One

Intermission 1

_**If I could rearrange my words**_

_**I'd say what I mean,**_

_**If I could learn to count the cards**_

_**I'd risk everything.**_

_**Imagine how brave I'd be**_

_**If I knew I'd be safe.**_

"Mr. Mellark, I will be giving you a few words and you will tell me what comes to mind."

I shift uncomfortably in the steel chair and nod my head. The handcuffs bite deep into my skin.

"The Capitol," the Peacekeeper recites robotically, like he's done this so many times before. A shiver runs down my spine. _Don't act so surprised – you've already seen the dry blood on those machines. How long do you think they've been doing this?_ I stare into the Peacekeeper's headgear and try to find a twitch, a glint, any kind of emotion at all other than mere emptiness, but I see no signs of a face. He's waiting for my answer.

_A clueless citadel richer than the districts combined, ruled by a sadistic President who reeks of roses and has a peculiar hobby of murdering people._

"The heart of our nation," I say dryly, "The Capitol is kind and generous. It keeps Panem in peace and unity." Let them hear what they want to hear; just because I said it doesn't mean I mean it. They think I don't know that somewhere behind these cold walls they're watching and listening to my every move.

The Peacekeeper inclines his head in approval and marks a word off the list he is holding.

"The Hunger Games."

I recall endless hours tied up to an electrocution chair and being forced to watch all the Games up until the 73rd from beginning to end. All the blood, all the betrayal, all the hatred… I could almost imagine President Snow feeding on the fear like some blood-thirsty beast. But then again, wasn't that all he was? People like him want to destroy and enjoy walking on shards of glass.

_A free drug for the upper class citizens, consisting of blood and inhumanity._

"They are… necessary." I reply. Something moves behind the Peacekeeper. When I blink, it's gone. _This is what happens after hours of morphine, idiot._

"President Snow," the Peacekeeper states.

I grimace. _A monster, a liar, a cold-blooded killer who likes playing games._ Bile rises in my throat. I open my mouth to reply – that's when I notice a slight shimmer on the while behind the Peacekeeper. _Found you._ I send the President a slight smile through the wall and look straight at the Peacekeeper.

"I appreciate the roses he sent so often. It's nice to know he cared."

The Peacekeeper hesitates for a moment, and then decides not to mark anything.

"Rebellion," he continues.

"It could have been avoided," I state, knowing that I am wielding a double-edged sword. The sentence holds a neutrality I know the President would hate. It is true for both the rebels and the Capitol. The rebels would have no need for rebellion if only there were no Games; the Capitol could have prevented it if only the districts stayed still and believed what they were told. The Peacekeeper seems okay with my answer though, so he crosses it off the list. I grin at the wall.

"Katniss Everdeen."

I snap my head towards the Peacekeeper. _Katniss. My Katniss. _So this is what it all came down to. He's waiting for me outside with his syringe, waiting for me to say it, waiting for me to mess up. He enjoys this just like he enjoys his Games. _This is a game._

Her name echoes in my mind and I find that it soothes my pain. I close my eyes and try to see her again. My mind is still disoriented from drifting in and out of consciousness but sure enough, she's still there. With her gray eyes and dark hair still in her braid, she is with me. When I open my eyes she's there, beside the Peacekeeper. I sigh in relief and smile at her. She smiles back_. High doses of_ _trackerjacker venom can cause powerful hallucinations for those who are stung – or injected with it._

"She is my wife," I say," I love her."

I look over at Katniss. She looks worried. _I need to go, _she whispers. Before I can ask why, the heavy metal doors behind me hiss open. Katniss looks over my head and frowns. She disappears.

I know who it is before he sits down in front of me. That smell of his is going to get him killed one day.

"Hello again, Peeta," he says, his voice laced with amusement. _You make me sick._ I look down at my knees.

"Tsk. Tsk. Tsk," he shakes his head, "You deserved so much better, a young man like you. Such a waste of intellect… You know, Ms. Everdeen and I could have gotten along better if only she hadn't troubled me with all this mess. She should have known better. As for you? She never loved you, I don't think. Not that it would matter after all this…"

I feel the heat of my rage burning through my eyes and hate coursing through my veins like boiling water. I lift my chin and stare at him defiantly.

"One day, President Snow." I hiss, "One day, this whole nation will watch you fall. There will come a day when these sick games come to an end, and you will be begging for mercy at the end of a gun. Although I may not be alive to see it, the time is soon. And when that time comes, the last thing you'll be seeing is your face reflected in her eyes, and you…" I shake my head in disgust, "You will hate yourself."

President Snow frowns and slowly rises from his chair. He beckons to the Peacekeeper behind me.

"Bring the venom. We have not injected enough."

I struggle against my bonds but the coils just tighten around my wrists. I feel warm fluid rushing down my fingertips and dripping onto the floor. President Snow moves towards the door but stops next to me, takes one look at the growing pool of blood on the floor and places something on my lap. _A rose_. His nauseating aroma claws at my throat. I look away.

His footsteps stop abruptly at what I think is the doorway.

"And Peeta, if you really wanted to know," he says, "I have no intention of killing you. You see, Ms. Everdeen is meddling with the wrong people. When the time comes for her to be eliminated, I do not want to get my hands dirty. So I will not kill her either," I can almost hear his grin, "You will do it for me."

I scream and thrash in the chair. Strong arms grip my arms. Someone stabs me with a needle and I am reeling, plunging into dizzying darkness… Before the talons of my nightmares pierce my consciousness, I see her standing over me.

_Katniss…Run._


	3. Nightmare One - The Hideous Reflection

**Nightmare One - The Hideous Reflection**

* * *

_ **If it's in your nature**_

_ **You'll never win.**_

* * *

The white light sears through my eyelids before I even open my eyes. Mentally, it's disorienting. Physically... It feels as though my eyes are being carved out of their sockets. I close my eyes, but the glow of my skin hurts. Using my hands as protection, though a tiny bit helpful, proves to be useless. The light is everywhere. I haven't seen anything so white my entire life. It's radiating off the walls, the floor, the ceiling... _Where does it end? Does it ever end?_

I let the burning sensation blind my eyes. There's nothing else I can do. I take a few steps and the sound echoes. _So it does_ _end. This is a_ room,_which means there's a way out - hopefully._ My eyesight somewhat improves and I stretch my arms out infront of me to navigate. I feel like I've just learned to walk. At this rate, it'll take at least half an hour to reach a wall (assuming I was just in the middle of the room), and another hour to find the exit. I guess I have the time. There's nothing better I should be doing. Being tortured was never really fun.

I'm tired and starving. I actually haven't eaten in a week. Every step I take seems to make the room brighter, setting alight what hope I have left. All of those things together makes me more desperate. I start to move faster which, of course, is a stupid idea on its own. No, I don't just move faster. I start to _run_.

And then I trip.

My impact with the floor doesn't lessen the stinging of my eyes. Actually, every part of my body is in unbearable pain. I shut my eyes tight and clutch my most probably broken arm. I open my eyes again and the room's brightness shocks my nerves. _Where am I? _My eyes water. I start crying. I give up.

That's when I see him.

Crouching on the ground a few feet away is the man who put me here. The man who covered my body in scars, the person behind the suffering of everyone I ever cared about. The man who took _every single of one them away from me_. I should kill him. Now that we're all alone, I should kill him. _Kill him._

If I run to him and knock him over, my weight may be enough to bash his head on the floor. It's surprising how useful the training center is outside the arena. I grin at the thought of using his Games against him. He grins back.

I gather all the strength I have left and stand up. He does, too. I let go of my arm and stand as straight as I can. If I go, he goes with me. That way he can't do any more harm to anyone. The rebels will win. _Katniss will be safe._

I start running towards him, my body throbbing with the effort. He is a sore spot in the light. Even his white beard looks too dark compared to the room. We're so close, I can see the anticipation gleaming in his eyes. I lunge at him.

I crash into something. My skull feels like it's going to burst. I stand up as quickly as I can, only to see him still standing there, unscathed. But this time there isn't just one. There are seven of him surrounding me in a circle. I clench my fists. The look on their faces is the very physical form of fury and hatred. _That bastard. He's a hologram, you idiot. He tricked you. Why would he come close to you without any protection? He knows you'll kill him._

I have to do something. Since I crashed into one, these must be solid. Maybe I can break them, maybe I'll die trying. I don't know what else to do. Killing myself hadn't occured to me before, but under the circumstances, dying seems less painful than what I've been going through. I'm probably strong enough to break them.

I raise my hand to punch one of the surfaces. I bring it down. Just as my fist is about to collide with the material, I stop. My blood freezes in veins and my heart stutters. It can't be.

Every single one has been mirroring my movements. Their fists raised in the air, looking as confused as I feel... I lower my arm. They do the same. I bring my hands up to my face. They do the same.

"No," I whisper. He whispers back. I whisper back. I am him. This isn't a holo. It's a reflection.

In a frenzy of desperation I claw at my face and hair, trying to tear my face apart. How I wish now that I could kill myself.I dig my nails into my arms until fresh red trails overlap the older ones. I rip my hair and bite my hand.

Suddenly, the sound of laughter fills the room. It is the kind of laughter that makes you feel like hiding in a corner. I have no corner to hide in. I'm exposed. The laughter keeps echoing, over and over again. It takes a moment for me to realize that I'm the one laughing, which tears my mind apart. _Kill me, please._ Sobs rack my soul as I collapse on the ground, and I cry away what sanity I have left. I lace my arms around my waist. I am vulnerable. I am weak. I am tired. I have no right to be. I shut my eyes to stop the tears but they just keep coming. Bring the nightmares back, please. Bring my old nightmares back. _Peeta, this is just one of your twisted nightmares. This isn't real. It isn't real. You're not thinking straight. He's doing this to you. It's the venom. It's the-_

I am him. I am Snow. This is it.

_I'm a monster._

* * *

**A/N:** Guys, I really apologize for this super late update, but I've been stuck for a while now and the chapter wasn't coming along. I'm also sorry if this chapter was shorter than the others. I just had to get it out so I could continue writing the others. If you like it, great! But if you don't it's okay :) I promise the other chapters will be better. Lyrics at the beginning belongs to the song "In Your Nature" :)


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